Studio 60: Season Two
by RoyDMylote
Summary: This attempts to pick up where the show left off. Matt and Harry, Danny and Jordan, and all the rest are back, with some new people, facing new challenges in running their latenight comedy show.
1. Disclaimer

Disclaimer And Information

I don't own any of the characters or entities, unless I made them up, in which case I do, but I'm not making any money off this so it really doesn't matter in the least.

Also, you should know that sometimes when I make up characters I'll put in parenthesis who's playing them. This is to give you, the reader, an idea of how to picture them in your head, and also it's who I'd cast for the part if I were in charge of the show. If you like the story and want to write an episode, just e-mail me and we'll work it out. After all, that's how real TV works.

Unless you're Aaron Sorkin, but he is like unto a god so he's special.


	2. Episode2x01: The Season Premiere

STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP

Episode 2x01

The Season Premiere

Created by Aaron Sorkin

Written by Roy D Mylote

TEASER

INT – MATT'S OFFICE

MATT is pouring a drink while DANNY sits in the chair behind him, rubbing his face.

MATT

I don't need another writer.

DANNY

Yes, you do.

MATT

I'm doing fine—we're doing fine.

DANNY

You're exhausted, Andy's exhausted, Lucy's exhausted, and Darius is ex—actually, has anyone seen Darius recently?

Matt sits down in front of Danny.

MATT

He's around.

DANNY

Look, here is some spec stuff—

(Danny gives Matt an overstuffed folder)

--I want you to look through.

Matt gets up and puts the folder on his desk.

MATT

I'll look through it.

DANNY

I mean it.

MATT

So do I!

DANNY

I want three choices by the wrap party.

MATT

I'm going to have to interview them, you know.

DANNY

What for?

MATT

I just do.

DANNY

(beat)

You're doing this to bug me, aren't you?

MATT

(grinning)

Them's the brakes.

DANNY sighs and walks out of the room. As he is leaving:

DANNY

By the party.

MATT

Yeah, yeah.

Matt sits behind his desk and pulls the folder over to him. He opens it and takes out the first sketch.

MATT

(quietly)

Wait a minute…

(yelling)

Suzanne!

SUZANNE enters Matt's office.

SUZANNE

Yes?

MATT

Get Alex up here, please.

SUZANNE

Okay.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO STAGE

DYLAN, ALEX, and SAM are joking around on the stage. Suzanne approaches.

SUZANNE

Alex?

The trio don't hear her and keep talking.

SUZANNE (CONT'D)

Alex!

Alex turns, sees her, and comes over.

ALEX

(putting his arm around her)  
Yes, Suzie?

Suzanne shrugs him off.

SUZANNE

Ugh. Matt wants you up in his office.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Alex enters. Matt looks up from his computer.

ALEX

Suzanne said you wanted to…

MATT

Right. Alex, I need you

(handing Alex the folder of applicants)

to read through these and pick out the best three.

ALEX

(holding the folder)

But I've gotta rehearse for the show—

MATT

Naw, you'll be fine! Besides, I haven't written you any lines yet. Now go on. Get Dylan or Jeannie to help if you want.

Alex stands there for a beat.

MATT

Go on!

(waves hand at the door)

Alex goes out in the hall and Matt watches through his window as Alex runs into a PA and drops all the papers. Alex looks in at Matt and Matt shrugs.

SMASH CUT TO:

TEASER

TITLE CREDITS

ACT ONE

INT. DANNY'S OFFICE

Danny is reading a note at his desk when a PA, ERIN, walks in.

ERIN

Danny?

DANNY

(looking up)

What?

ERIN

I just got this—I was supposed to tell you, I just got this…

DANNY

(beat)

Yeah?

ERIN  
I just got this note—You know how Josh Ritter was going to be on the show?

DANNY

Yea—don't tell me…

ERIN

He cancelled.

DANNY

(standing up)

What for?

ERIN

His voice—

DANNY

Doesn't matter!

(beat)

Okay, get on the phone, call around, get me something. Anything. Okay?

ERIN

Okay.

Erin starts to leave.

DANNY

But no country acts!

ERIN

Okay!

As Erin leaves, JORDAN slips in.

JORDAN

What's going on?

DANNY

Our musical guest cancelled.

JORDAN

Again?

DANNY

The show's cursed.

Jordan sits down on Danny's couch. He joins her and they kiss.

DANNY

What are you doing over here?

JORDAN

Well...

(she pulls out a book of photos)

I've got florists!

DANNY

(drops his head)

Maybe I'm cursed.

INT – TOM'S DRESSING ROOM

TOM is sitting on his couch reading a newspaper. SIMON is in a chair across from him.

SIMON

I'm just sayin'.

TOM

Well stop.

SIMON

You look bad.

TOM

(lowering the newspaper)

How do I look bad?

SIMON

How long were you two together before Danny and Jordan got together?

TOM

Like, two hours.

Simon thinks for a moment.

SIMON  
You sure it wasn't longer?

TOM

Pretty sure, thanks.

SIMON

I thought it was longer.

TOM  
Might have been seven.

Simon stands up.

SIMON

Still.

TOM  
What? What still?

SIMON  
You should ask her.

TOM  
I'm not asking Lucy to marry me.

SIMON  
Danny asked Jordan. How does that make you look?

TOM  
I'm young, Lucy's young. Danny's old.

Danny pokes his head in the room.

DANNY

What am I?

TOM  
(quickly)

Manliness embodied.

DANNY

(beat)  
Damn right.

Danny leaves. Simon gives Tom a pointed look and Tom goes back to his paper.

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Danny walks in one of the doors; Matt is sitting at his desk writing.

DANNY

How's it going?

MATT

Tanking.

DANNY  
I meant with the new writer.

MATT

Oh.

There's a beat as Danny waits expectantly as Matt keeps writing.

DANNY  
Well?

MATT

Oh. You wanted—it's going fine.

DANNY

I don't see you reading.

MATT

I am trying to give you a show to produce.

DANNY  
I asked you—it was simple, I asked you to read the stuff.

MATT

And, being a powerful leader, I delegated.

DANNY  
Who to?

MATT  
A person I trust wholeheartedly.

DANNY  
Who to?

MATT  
Well, okay, only half-heartedly.

DANNY  
Matt!

MATT  
Alex is reading through them.

DANNY  
Because when I think pinnacle of good judgment, I think of Alex.

MATT  
Well who would you rather have done it?

DANNY

(puts hands on head, frustrated)

You, Matt!

Matt looks around.

MATT  
But I'm busy.

DANNY

Then Harriet, or Simon, or someone qualified!

MATT  
Alex is qualified. He works here, doesn't he?

HARRIET enters from the door behind Matt's desk.

HARRIET

I dunno if that's a great standard of judgment, Matthew. I mean, look at you.

She sits on the edge of Matt's desk.

MATT  
(sarcastic)

Ha ha ha.

The two kiss for a while. Danny looks up at the ceiling, whistles, and finally leaves.

INT. WRITERS' ROOM

ANDY, DARIUS, and LUCY sit at the table pitching.

DARIUS

(reading from his computer)

They found a homeade submarine in Colombia being used for drug smuggling.

Lucy laughs.

LUCY  
A home-made submarine?

DARIUS

Yeah.

LUCY  
What'd they make it out of?

DARIUS

Fiberglass.

They sit in silence for a beat.

ANDY  
Fiberglass isn't really—

DARIUS

--isn't really funny, right.

Matt enters.

MATT  
Whatta we got?

Another beat as the three writers look around at each other.

DARIUS

So they found a home-made submarine in Colombia—

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. HALL OUTSIDE WRITERS' ROOM/MATT'S OFFICE

Danny is walking through the building, reading a note. Matt comes out of one of the doors beside him. They keep walking.

DANNY

So whatta they got?

MATT

They got nothin'.

DANNY  
What else is new?

Suzanne walks up behind them.

SUZANNE  
Oh, there you are. Jordan's looking for you?

MATT  
Me?

SUZANNE

Danny.

DANNY  
What for?

SUZANNE

Something about not getting away from her that easy?

DANNY  
Damn.

(beat)

Okay.

He breaks off and turns around, going back towards his office.

SUZANNE

Matt?

MATT  
Yeah?

SUZANNE

Where are you going?

MATT

My office.

SUZANNE

Oh. About that—

MATT  
(interrupting)

I've got nothin', Suzie.

SUZANNE  
Matt—

(aside)

Suzie?

(out loud)

Matt—

MATT

It's Tuesday and I've got nothing. This is not unusual. I've been in this situation before. I can do it. I am a man. I can handle this. I am in charge—

Matt opens his office door. MARY TATE is sitting cross-legged in a chair.

MATT  
--of my own life.

MARY

Hey, Matt.

MATT  
(sarcastic grin)

Oh, Suzanne!

There's the sound of a door closing. Matt turns; Suzanne has left.

MATT  
Swell.

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

MARY

Hey, Matt.

MATT  
Hey, Mary! What are you doing here?

MARY

Working.

MATT  
On the lawsuit?

MARY  
Yep.

Matt sits behind his desk.

MATT  
Still?

MARY  
These things take a while, Matt.

MATT  
Do they have to take a while…in my office?

MARY  
I thought you liked having me around.

MATT

What did I ever do that gave you that impression?

MARY  
You need to relax.

Matt pours himself a drink.

MATT  
I am trying my best.

MARY  
So how's Harriet?

MATT  
We're changing subjects, huh?

MARY  
I'm just interested, Mattie. Interested in your life.

MATT  
Harriet's fine.

Matt sits at his desk and starts to type.

MARY  
What are you working on?

MATT  
The show.

MARY

I meant—

MATT

It's a sketch about—I was home over the weekend and I was watching the World Poker Tour and—

MARY  
You watched the World Poker Tour?

MATT  
It was the only thing—I don't have to explain—and I'm trying to write a sketch about it. About poker and…and the people who play it, is there a reason you're here?

MARY  
I told you—

MATT  
I meant here as in, this particular office. Aren't I done?

MARY  
I just like it in here.

MATT  
Well, I'm flattered, but it's hard to write when I'm being watched and—

Harriet walks in the door behind Matt's desk.

HARRIET  
Hey, Matthew, how's—oh. Hi, Mary.

MARY  
Hi, Harriet.

MATT  
Mary's here to do…well, something, I'm sure.

HARRIET  
I bet.

An uncomfortable silence passes.

HARRIET  
Anyway, how's the show going?

MATT  
How do you think?

HARRIET  
You've got nothin', huh?

MATT  
Nothin'.

HARRIET

Maybe you should take a break. Read through that stuff Danny gave you.

MATT

I've got someone working on that.

HARRIET  
Alex? Really?

MATT  
He's funny, he's got good taste, he—

HARRIET  
He scratched your car and you're punishing him.

MARY  
What stuff is Alex going through?

MATT

Danny wants me to hire a new writer.

MARY  
Hire a girl.

MATT  
Why?

HARRIET  
That's what it is, isn't it? Alex is the one who scratched your car and you're punishing him for it.

MARY  
Because if there's another girl, that's another good witness who can say there's no sexual harassment here.

MATT  
Doesn't the fact that everyone who's being accused of harassment no longer works here sort of screw that up?

(turns to Harriet)  
I didn't know Alex scratched my car.

HARRIET  
You're a bad liar, Matthew Albie.

CAL walks in through the door Harriet came through.

CAL  
Matt, Ritter cancelled.

Matt sighs, gets up, goes to his board, and pulls down the index cards saying "RITTER 1" and "RITTER 2."

MATT  
This seems familiar.

MARY  
It doesn't really matter. We just need a woman's perspective, is all.

MATT  
What about Lucy?

HARRIET

What you're doing to Alex is unfair.

MATT  
Yeah, but I'm the boss, so sucks for him.

CAL  
One of the PAs are working on getting another musical guest, but between you and me—and Harriet and Mary I guess, hi Mary—

MARY  
Hi, Cal.

CAL (CONT'D)  
Between us, I think we should fire her and get someone with taste because I heard her saying something about Good Charlotte.

HARRIET  
No, Matt, it doesn't suck for him because you are going to be a good person, and you will do this because I am going to make you.

MARY  
Lucy's great, but she's not enough. Maybe Darius and Andy are afraid Tom will beat them up if they do something to her.

CAL  
No offense to Tom but I don't see him striking anyone as threatening.

HARRIET  
Now you go downstairs and—

MATT

(interrupting and shouting)  
_Shut up!_

Everyone stops talking.

MATT  
Thank you.

He goes back to his desk and sits down. Harriet storms off, Cal follows her, and Mary sits back down.

MATT  
Aren't you gonna…

(points at the door)

MARY  
Naw, I like it here.

Matt puts his head on the desk.

CUT TO:

INT. GROUP DRESSING ROOM

Alex tosses one of the spec sketches over his head.

ALEX  
Crap.

He reads the beginning of another one and tosses it away too.

ALEX  
Crap.

He starts in on anotherone, but Harriet walks up and taps him on the shoulder. 

ALEX  
Yes ma'am?

HARRIET  
Come with me, and bring those sketches.

CUT TO:

INT. DANNY'S OFFICE

Danny is lying on the floor. Jordan sits behind his desk.

JORDAN  
And if we go with this one, she'll give us three—

DANNY  
Where's the baby?

JORDAN  
What?

DANNY  
Where's Becky?

JORDAN  
Oh, Jack's watching her.

Danny sits up suddenly.

DANNY  
You left our daugter with Jack Rudolph?!

JORDAN

(laughs)

Relax. I'm kidding.

CUT TO: 

INT. JACK RUDOLPH'S OFFICE

JACK is standing in the middle of his office, holding a crying BECKY.

JACK  
Shh, shh, be nice for Uncle Jackie—

(to himself)  
Uncle Jackie? What the hell is happening to me?

He rocks the baby back and forth, then up and down.

JACK  
(shouting)  
Katie!

Jack's assistant KATIE enters the room.

KATIE  
You've got a baby, Jack.

JACK

No kidding!

KATIE  
Is that Jordan's baby?

JACK  
Yes.

KATIE  
What do you want me to do with it?

JACK

(handing her the baby)  
Take care of it, would you?

KATIE  
Jack, I really don't know—

JACK  
Asking or telling, Katie? Asking or telling?

KATIE  
Right.

Katie leaves. Jack sits down.

CUT TO:

INT. ON THE STAGE AT STUDIO 60

Simon and Tom are sitting in chairs, in fruit costumes—Simon is the mongongo, Tom the grape.

SIMON  
I've got it!

Tom looks up from the sketch he's reading.

TOM  
What?

SIMON  
The perfect way to propose to her.

TOM

First of all, not gonna. Second of all, how do you top Danny's proposing to Jordan in a hospital room when one of 'em's dying, and third of all not gonna.

SIMON  
See, what you do is—

TOM

Jeez.

SIMON

(without stopping)

You take her out to—

Matt walks up to them.

MATT  
What's going on?

TOM  
Shoot me? Just shoot me now?

MATT  
(beat)  
No, I'm good.

Matt walks away.

CUT TO: 

INT. HALL OUTSIDE MATT'S OFFICE/MATT'S OFFICE

Harriet comes out of Matt's office as he's walking by.

HARRIET  
(flustered)

Oh, uh, hi, Matt.

MATT  
(smiling)  
What were you doing in my office?

HARRIET  
(regaining her composure)  
Coming to tell you I love you, is all.

MATT  
Okay.

He opens the door and sees the would-be writers' sketches hanging everywhere—they've been photocopied into the thousands and taped to every surface. The desk, the ceiling, the floor, everywhere, they're covering it.

MATT  
(shouting)  
Harry!

Behind him, Harriet runs away.

END ACT TWO

ACT THREE

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Matt is wading through the papers scattered about. Cal enters.

CAL  
Hey, Matt—

(looks around)  
What happened?

MATT  
I'm not sure, but I think I may have to kill someone.

CAL  
Oh. Okay. So, about the musical guest?

MATT  
Yeah?

CAL

Danny wants to know if you're going to have one of those things where you write a musical sketch and we need an orchestra or something.

MATT  
I don't think so, Cal.

CAL

Cause that would really make it easier.

MATT  
I don't think so, Cal.

CAL

Cool.

Cal leaves. Matt shakes his chair to clear the papers away and digs out his computer. He reads what he's been typing.

MATT

"Would you just bet already?" Would you just…would you just…

(he deletes it all)  
Well, yeah, now it's perfect.

Mary Tate comes in.

MARY  
What the hell happened in here?

MATT  
I slew a paper dragon.

MARY  
Did you wear armor? I'm a sucker for a man in armor.

MATT  
You know, sooner or later you're going to have to accept that I'm with Harriet and move on.

MARY  
How many times have you "been with" Harriet before? It's transient.

MATT  
Not this time.

MARY

Whatever you say.

MATT  
It's different.

MARY

Of course it is.

MATT  
It is.

MARY  
Right.

MATT  
Good.

A moment of silence passes.

MATT  
Did we just fight?

MARY  
A little.

CUT TO: 

INT. DANNY'S OFFICE

Danny is sitting with Jordan on the couch.

JORDAN

(in mid-sentence)

…and a lovely rose arrangement. Now, this next one can do a thing with—

DANNY  
Oh my God, I'm sorry, it's just…I don't care.

JORDAN  
What?

DANNY  
You've long since passed the point where I stopped caring.

JORDAN  
This is our future we're planning here!

DANNY  
No. No, it's really not. It's our wedding. Our future is us together with Becky in my ridiculously extravagant home—

JORDAN  
Why—

DANNY

--or your extravagant home, it doesn't really matter which home. Our wedding's just a thing.

JORDAN  
So it's no big deal? Not important to you?

DANNY  
No, it's—yes, it's important, but—

JORDAN

Why don't we just get eloped in the Chapel O' Love?

DANNY  
That's not—

There's a knock on the door.

DANNY

(throwing his hands up)  
Come in, for the love of God, come in!

Erin walks in.

DANNY  
Oh, how's it going?

ERIN  
Well…

DANNY  
Come on, come on.

ERIN  
Foo Fighters, Bon Jovi, uh, Radiohead…

DANNY  
(sits up)

You got all those guys to say yes? I could kiss you.

JORDAN

Hey!

ERIN  
Not exactly.

DANNY  
What does that mean?

ERIN

They all said no.

DANNY  
I could kill you.

JORDAN  
That's better.

ERIN  
I'm trying my best.

DANNY  
I'm sure you are.

ERIN  
I am.

DANNY  
I'm sure.

There's a beat, and then Erin leaves.

JORDAN

What was that about?

DANNY  
We don't have a musical guest.

JORDAN  
Why not? 

DANNY  
Josh Ritter got sick.

JORDAN  
Oh.

DANNY  
Yeah.

JORDAN

(beat)  
You know, you should try to get a country—

DANNY  
Oh, my God.

JORDAN  
--get a country act, it'll really boost—

DANNY  
It'll boost my will to kill myself.

JORDAN  
Come on.

DANNY

I'm serious.

JORDAN  
So am I. Surveys show—

DANNY  
Surveys suck. They blow everything, we've had this conversation before.

JORDAN

They didn't blow everything.

DANNY  
Name me something.

Jordan mouths to herself as she thinks. A moment later:

JORDAN

Well, I'm not an expert…

DANNY

'Cause there aren't any.

JORDAN

There are plenty of experts.

DANNY  
No—That's not what I meant. There aren't any things surveys haven't…you know what, it's just too convoluted now.

Danny sits on the couch and wraps an arm around Jordan.

DANNY  
Seriously, where's the baby? I miss the baby.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. JACK RUDOLPH'S OFFICE

Jack is sitting at his desk, trying to write a letter. He is interrupted ever so often by the sound of a baby crying.

JACK  
(shouting)  
Katie!

Katie runs in again.

KATIE  
Yes, Mr. Rudolph?

JACK  
Shut that thing up, huh?

KATIE  
Doing my best.

JACK  
You're gonna need to do someone else's best.

KATIE  
You like to say that, don'tcha?

JACK  
Helping or hurting?!

KATIE  
Okay, okay.

She leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. WRITERS ROOM

Simon has joined Lucy, Darius, and Andy, and is leaning against the wall.

SIMON  
Lucy.

LUCY  
Yeah?

SIMON  
What do you think about Danny and Jordan getting married?

LUCY  
I think it's great. Why?

SIMON

No reason.

LUCY

(Beat)

Okay.

She sits and types for a few seconds.

SIMON  
It's just—

Lucy slams her hands down on the table, on either side of her computer.

LUCY  
What? What is it?

SIMON  
Well, we were—I was just talking about Tom asking you to marry him and he said—

LUCY  
(squealing)

SIMON  
What?

Andy leans in and listens to her squeals.

ANDY  
Oh my god…oh my god…I can't believe it…he's going to marry me…oh my god.

SIMON  
What? 

ANDY  
That's what she said. Just now.

Darius nods in agreement. Simon's look is one of horror.

SIMON

Wait!

Lucy jumps up and runs out of the room, screaming.

ANDY

Then she said "I've got to call my mum."

Simon beats his head on the wall behind him.

SIMON  
(in time with his head hitting the wall)

Damn, damn, damn….

FADE OUT 

END ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

INT. TOM'S DRESSING ROOM

Tom is laying on his couch, reading through a draft of a sketch. Simon runs in, holding his hands up in a gesture of peace.

SIMON

(out of breath)  
Don't get mad.

TOM

Why would I get mad?

SIMON  
Well, Tom, I'm—what I mean is—

TOM

What's going on, Sim?

Simon lowers his hands and stands up straight.

SIMON  
I may have—I was in the writers' room before, and I may have said some things—look, things were said, and it's not anyone's fault, but now Lucy thinks you're going to ask her to marry you.

Tom stands up in a flash, the sketch he was reading flying out of his hands, over his head, and behind him.

TOM

(shouting)

What did you do?!

CUT TO:

INT. DANNY'S OFFICE

Jordan standing up, on the phone. Danny sits on his couch behind her.

JORDAN

Okay. Okay. Okay. Yes—Yes. Okay. Bye.

She hangs up and puts the phone down on the couch.

DANNY

Who was that?

JORDAN

The babysitter.

DANNY  
Something wrong with the baby?

JORDAN  
No. Just a check-in. Hey, I'm going to go talk to Harriet now.

DANNY  
About what?

JORDAN

Girl stuff.

DANNY  
Oh.

Jordan kisses Danny on the cheek and leaves. Danny watches her leave and then grabs her phone, scrolling through until he gets to Recent Calls. He sees the name on the phone: JACK RUDOLPH.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Matt is sitting in his chair, which is covered in papers. He digs under the papers on his desk until he pulls out his laptop. He opens it and starts to write. Suzanne walks in, sees the office covered in sketches.

SUZANNE  
Is…what?

MATT  
It's Harriet's idea of a joke.

SUZANNE

This isn't a joke. It's litter.

MATT

Well, I know that and you know that.

SUZANNE  
Why did she do this?

MATT  
She wants me to read—you don't really care.

SUZANNE  
I guess you're right.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

Danny bursts through the door, startling Jack, who jumps.

JACK  
What the hell?

DANNY  
Where is she?!

Danny crosses to Jack's desk.

JACK  
Oh. It's just you.

DANNY  
Damn right it's me! Now where's my daughter?

JACK

(beat)

What are you talking about?

DANNY

You—the baby, Jack! The baby? Remember? There was a living person here, and Jordan—for God knows what reason—gave her to you, and then you what?

JACK  
(playing with Danny)  
I can't quite remember…

DANNY  
Think! I'm Jack Rudolph, chairman of NBS. Did I lose, dispose of, or eat a child today?

JACK  
Relax, Danny. I'm kidding. I left the baby with Katie.

DANNY  
Katie your assistant?

JACK  
Yeah.

DANNY  
The one I just saw outside, sitting at her desk, with no baby?

A moment passes, with Jack looking off into space.

JACK  
(standing)

Katie!!

Katie runs in.

KATIE  
Yes, sir?

JACK  
Where's the baby?

KATIE  
It's right—

JACK  
Katie! The baby! Where!

KATIE  
Jack!

JACK  
Because if you lost the baby I'm gonna lose my job, and if I lose my job then I am going to find you and I am going to kill you!

Jack is making grand, threatening hand motions, throat-ripping sorts of things, as he yells.

KATIE  
If you'd just let me—

JACK

And when I'm done killing you—

KATIE

(yelling)

Jack!

JACK

What?!

Katie holds her hands up and backs out of the room. She comes back in holding Rebecca, who's asleep.

JACK  
But—Danny!

DANNY  
Relax, jack, I was just kidding.

JACK  
I will kill people today.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE/HALLWAY OUTSIDE MATT'S OFFICE

Erin stands at the door to Matt's office.

ERIN

So I should keep trying?

MATT  
Unless you wanna stand up on stage and hum along to "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" all by yourself in front of millions of people.

ERIN

I'll keep trying.

She leaves the room, exiting to the hall, where Simon and Tom are walking by.

TOM  
Well, this is perfect.

SIMON

Tom, I'm sorry.

TOM  
I told you to drop it, Sim. I said that, I said, "Drop it, Sim." Did you drop it?

SIMON  
Tom.

TOM (CON'T)

(throwing his arms up in the air)

Noooooooooooooo. Of course not. You didn't drop it. You picked it up and just lobbed it right over the fence!

SIMON  
Tom, I'm sorry!

TOM

That's great! Now climb over the fence into Mister Screwing-With-A-Woman's-Emotions' lawn, get the ball, and bring it back without getting me in trouble.

Simon looks at Tom for a second then walks away.

CUT TO:

INT. TOM'S DRESSING ROOM

Lucy is talking with someone on a cell phone.

LUCY  
What does it matter if he's rich?

(beat, then she sighs)  
Yes, he's rich.

Simon opens the door and knocks on it. Lucy waves him in.

LUCY (CONT'D)

I've got to go, mum. Love you too.

She hangs up. Simon crosses to the couch and sits on it with her.

SIMON  
Lucy.

LUCY  
I'm so excited.

SIMON  
Great. But.

LUCY  
I'm getting married.

SIMON  
I think now I should talk.

LUCY  
My mum's thrilled.

SIMON

Great. But.

LUCY  
Oh, yes, that's right, you had something to say.

SIMON  
(smiling)  
Yes. I did. Now, it's important that, when I tell you what I have to tell you, you do not get mad at Tom.

(beat)

Or at me, really. Well, get mad at me if you want, but please just don't throw stuff.

LUCY  
What's wrong?

SIMON

I may have…misspoken earlier.

LUCY  
(quiet)

What do you mean?

SIMON  
Well, see, the thing is…Tom's not going to ask you to marry him.

Lucy is silent for a moment. Then her lip begins to quiver, and she starts crying.

LUCY  
(indistinct whimpering)

SIMON  
What?

LUCY

(repeats herself)

SIMON  
Still didn't catch—

LUCY  
(standing up, screaming)

I said why not?!

SIMON  
Oh. Uh.

LUCY (CONT'D)  
He doesn't love me! That's it!

SIMON  
I don't think that's it.

LUCY  
Of course it's it! He never loved me! He was just using me!

SIMON  
That's not true. Tom was not using you.

LUCY

Then (sob) why (sob) won't (sob) he marry me?

Simon's face is one of confusion and worry.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Matt is sitting at his desk, typing. He stops, starts again, stops. He reaches for a bottle of water—a sketch is taped to it. Matt pulls the sketch off the water, looking at the first lines as he does so. He starts to put it away, but then starts reading again.

MATT  
Huh…

FADE TO: 

INT. MATT'S OFFICE—MINUTES LATER

Matt is sifting through papers on his floor.

FADE TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE—EVEN LATER

Matt is sitting on the floor, reading a stack of sketches. Harriet enters from behind him. She slides up against his back and covers his eyes with her hands.

HARRIET  
Guess who?

MATT  
'Cause the voice isn't distinctive.

HARRIET

(uncovering Matt's eyes)

Whatcha doin'?

MATT

I'm—read this.

He holds out one of the sketches to her.

HARRIET  
Oh, no sir. Do your own work.

MATT  
That's not what I meant. I've already read it. I want a second opinion.

Matt sits there while Harriet reads. She laughs in what seem to be all the right places.

MATT  
It's good, right?

HARRIET  
Yeah, it's good. Funny.

MATT  
Okay then.

HARRIET  
What?

MATT  
I'll hire him.

HARRIET

But…he's the only one you've read.

MATT  
He's good, though.

HARRIET  
Mary Tate told you to hire a girl.

MATT

Yeah, she did.

Harriet grins. They both stand up, she takes Matt's hands in hers.

HARRIET  
You know exactly how to please a girl, Matthew.

Matt grins at her. She kisses him.

CUT TO: 

INT. WRITERS' ROOM

Lucy is sitting alone in the room, crying. Tom enters.

TOM  
Hey, Lucy.

Lucy turns, sees Tom, wipes her eyes, and stands.

TOM  
What's wrong?

LUCY  
You're an ass.

She slaps him and leaves. Tom holds his face, in pain. Simon sees the confrontation and rushes in.

SIMON  
Lucy! Wait!

But Lucy's already gone. Tom looks up at Simon. Simon droops his head in shame. Tom throws his arms up in the air and walks out.

CUT TO: 

INT. DANNY'S OFFICE

Jordan sits alone. The door opens and Danny enters, holding Rebecca.

JORDAN  
Danny, what's--?

DANNY

(whispering; Becky's asleep)  
You left our baby with Jack Rudolph!

Jordan looks around, embarassed.

JORDAN  
He was the only one available…

DANNY  
I was available. Harriet's available. The guy who sleeps outside the 7/11's available!

They look at each other for a few seconds, then sit down on the couch—a family.

JORDAN  
At least Jack didn't eat her.

DANNY  
That's what I said.

They lean in to kiss. There's a knock on the door. Danny is going to ignore it, but Jordan pushes him away.

JORDAN

Come in.

Erin walks in.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Harriet and Matt are still kissing. Harriet finally breaks the kiss.

HARRIET  
Mary's gonna be a problem.

MATT  
She's not going to be, like, a problem—

HARRIET  
She's falling in love with you, Matty.

MATT  
That's a little strong.

HARRIET  
I can see it.

MATT  
She's not—

Harriet puts her arms on Matt's shoulders.

HARRIET  
I can see it.

A moment passes, them looking at each other. Then Danny knocks on the door behind them.

MATT  
Come in.

Danny comes in.

DANNY  
Guess who we got to be our musical guest?

MATT  
You found someone?

DANNY  
Oh yeah.

The three of them stand there. Danny and Matt look at Harriet. She looks between them.

HARRIET  
Ah. This is one of those times when you (looking at Matt) want to be alone with your boyfriend.

MATT  
Hey.

HARRIET  
Just so long as it's my bed you come back to at night.

_Fresh Feeling__ by The Eels begins to play)_

She leaves. Danny looks at Matt.

DANNY  
Is it gonna last?

MATT  
This time?

DANNY  
Yeah.

MATT  
I think so. I hope so.

DANNY

We all do.

He puts his hand on his friend's shoulder.

MATT  
Where's the baby?

DANNY  
Jordan's got her in my office.

MATT  
I meant, she wasn't here before, was she?

DANNY  
No.

Matt looks away, then back at Danny.

MATT  
So—

DANNY  
Oh, right. Jordan left her with Jack Rudolph.

MATT  
And Jack didn't eat her?

DANNY  
That's what I—never mind.

MATT  
So who'd you get?

DANNY  
Oh, that. You're gonna love it.

MATT

Come on, just tell me.

DANNY  
(looks at him, waits a second, grins)

The White Stripes.

After a beat, Matt laughs. The camera pans out of Matt's window, down on the stage, where Harriet is walking to Jordan, who's standing at the entrance to the dressing rooms.

_(This is that fresh…)_

Then it cuts back to Matt.

MATT  
It's gonna be a good year.

_(That fresh feeling…)_

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT FOUR

THE END


	3. Episode2x02: First Day

STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP

Episode 2x02

First Day

Created by Aaron Sorkin  
Written by Roy D Mylote

TEASER

INT. BEDROOM—EARLY MORNING

ERIC QUINCY (played by Ben Savage, and don't give me any lip about it) lies in bed, blankets pulled over his head. The room is small, with just his bed, a table, an alarm clock, and a small bookshelf as decoration. Tbrahe window to the right of his bed is open, sunlight filtered through the blinds. The alarm clock rings—an arm slides out of the blankets and switches it off. Eric tosses the covers off himself. He's wearing a red t-shirt and flannel bottoms, and he hauls himself out of bed, tossing his clothes off as he heads to the door on his left.

CUT TO: 

INT. BEDROOM—TEN MINUTES LATER

Eric comes out of the door, wrapped in a towel, dripping wet, with his toothbrush in his mouth. He goes into his kitchen the camera following behind him, and plugs in his toaster.

CUT TO: 

INT. CAR—MORNING

Eric is in the driver's seat, listening to classical music on the radio.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARKING LOT—MORNING

Eric gets out of his car, checking to make sure he's locked the door. He wears a messenger bag across his body, in which is his laptop and other such. He is walking towards the camera, and when he gets past it, we turn and follow behind him—he's walking into Studio 60.

CUT TO:

INT. SECURITY STATION AT STUDIO 60

Eric stands at the desk. GEORGE, the security guard is looking at a piece of paper.

GEORGE  
Is your name on this list? 

ERIC  
It uh…I don't know. This is my first—

He's interrupted by LUCY, who's run up behind him.

LUCY  
I don't want to hear it!

She starts to go, crossing behind Eric. Eric has turned to watch the show. TOM chases after Lucy.

TOM

Lucy! Lucy! Hold on just a second!

They're gone now. Eric turns back to George.

ERIC

What's that about?

GEORGE

Lovers' quarrel. Now, is your name on this paper?

ERIC  
Like I said, I don't know. It's my first—

He's again interrupted by the sound of a slap, then:

TOM  
(shouting from offscreen)  
Ow!

Simon appears, coming out of the hall that Lucy and Tom came from originally. George sees him.

GEORGE  
What's going on?

SIMON

(holding his hands up in a pacifying gesture)  
I'm handling it.

Simon starts to walk away.

GEORGE

Didn't you start it?

Simon stops and turns back.

SIMON  
I don't need lip, George.

(he notices Eric)

Who's this?

Eric holds his hand up.

ERIC  
Hi. I'm Eric, I'm new. It's my first—

There's a crash, and Tom screams in pain again. Simon turns towards the noise.

SIMON  
Ooh. Gotta go!

Simon runs off. Eric turns back to George.

GEORGE

It's just I can't let you in if your name's not on the sheet.

ERIC  
I don't—do you know who to call? I'm new, I was just hired as a writer. It's my first—

DANNY runs through the background, carrying a screaming REBECCA.

DANNY  
Shh, shh, it's okay! It's okay, please stop crying.

GEORGE

(to Eric)

I'll ask him.

(to Danny)  
Mr. Tripp!

DANNY  
Just a minute, George, I think this

(holding up Becky)

is about to explode.

Eric turns back to George.

ERIC  
Why don't I just wait until he gets back?

HARRIET

(offscreen)

Matthew Albie!

GEORGE  
(low voice)

This could be trouble.

MATT and HARRIET come walking into the building.

MATT

I was just saying, it would be fun to—

HARRIET  
Shut up.

MATT  
Harry, I'm a grown man, you can't tell me to—

HARRIET

(louder)

Shut. Up.

MATT  
Yes ma'am.

Matt walks by Eric and George.

MATT  
Mornin', George.

GEORGE

Morning, Mr. Albie.

MATT

(pointing to Eric)  
Who's this?

GEORGE  
Says his name is Eric—

MATT

(overlapping with George)

Quincy!

ERIC

Yes, sir.

Matt sticks out his hand. Eric shakes it.

MATT  
The new writer?

ERIC  
Yep.

MATT  
George!

GEORGE  
Yes, sir?

MATT  
Let the man in!

George nods and hands Eric a security pass. Matt puts his arm around Eric's shoulder and leads him away.

ERIC  
(holding up the pass)  
Am I supposed to wear this?

MATT  
Just until people figure out you're supposed to be here.

They cross to the stage, then down to the dressing rooms where someone is wheeling out a large rack of clothes.

MATT  
Now, I know it's a little intimidating at first. But don't worry. You're going to be great.

Eric is looking at Matt while Matt talks, so he runs into the clothes rack, sending shirts, pants, and himself falling to the floor.

MATT

(keeps on walking)

Yep. Gonna be great.

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

ACT ONE

INT. WRITERS' ROOM

DARIUS and ANDY sit at the table writing. Matt enters, guiding Eric in.

MATT  
Hey. Guys.

Darius and Andy look up and, seeing Matt, sit up.

DARIUS

What's going on?

MATT  
This is Eric, the new writer.

DARIUS  
Hi.

Andy just nods.

MATT  
(to Eric)

Well?

ERIC

Uh…what?

MATT  
(smiling)  
Go sit down.

Eric sits. Matt moves to stand between Darius and Andy, across from Eric.

MATT  
This is Darius and this is Andy. They're the other writers—wait, where's Lucy?

There's a loud crash from offscreen.

LUCY  
(offscreen)  
Go to hell!

Behind Matt, visibile through the glass walls of the writers' room, Lucy strides past, followed by Tom, followed by Simon. Matt just grins.

MATT

Ah.

ERIC  
What's going on?

MATT  
Tom Jeter's dating Lucy Kenwright, the other writer, and he was having—you know what? It's just too stupid.

Eric nods.

MATT  
So.

ERIC  
So.

MATT  
(beat)  
Yeah, I think we're good here. Andy, show him—

ANDY  
I'll give him the rundown.

MATT  
Thanks.

Matt walks out.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Matt walks into his office. The chair behind his desk is turned away from us, and when the door closes, it spins around. MARY TATE sits behind the chair, one leg crossed over the other.

MARY  
Hey, Matt.

MATT  
For the love of—don't you have some other job? Or a hobby?

MARY  
Not really.

MATT  
Great.

They stand there in silence for a few moments.

MATT  
Could ya get outta my chair?

MARY  
Oh, right.

She gets up, Matt takes his seat. Mary just stands around.

MATT  
Seriously, you don't have anything else to do?

CUT TO:

INT. TOM'S DRESSING ROOM

Lucy is sitting in the room. Tom is pounding on the door from the outside—she's locked it.

TOM  
(offscreen)

Let me in!

(beat)

Come on, Luce!

(beat)

Fine.

There's the sound of footsteps as Tom walks away. Lucy closes her eyes. A moment later there's another knock on the door.

LUCY  
Dammit, Tom, go away.

DYLAN

(offscreen)  
It's not Tom.

Lucy gets up and unlocks the door.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO HALL—OUTSIDE TOM'S ROOM 

DYLAN is standing outside the dressing room. Lucy sticks her head out and looks around, then opens the door. Dylan follows her into the room.

CUT TO: 

INT. TOM'S DRESSING ROOM

When Dylan's in the room, Lucy slams the door and locks it behind her.

DYLAN  
What's going on?

LUCY

Tom's an ass.

DYLAN  
Oh. Hey, wasn't that Simon's fault?

LUCY  
(unsure)  
Well, I suppose, technically—

DYLAN  
So why are you mad at Tom?

LUCY  
Because he doesn't want to marry me!

DYLAN  
That's not what he said.

LUCY  
It might as well have been.

DYLAN  
Didn't he say he just didn't want to get married yet?

LUCY  
Exactly!

She collapses into Dylan's shoulder, crying.

DYLAN  
(to himself)  
I am never going to understand women.

CUT TO: 

INT. HALL OUTSIDE TOM'S DRESSING ROOM

Dylan and Lucy exit, his arm draped over her shoulder. Tom and Simon happen to be walking by, turning the corner just as Dylan and Lucy start down the hall. Tom does a double-take towards them.

TOM  
What's he doing?

SIMON  
Tom.

TOM  
He's moving in on my girl!

TOM  
I'm gonna kill him!

SIMON  
Tom, for the—

Tom starts running towards Dylan and Lucy.

TOM  
(shouting at Dylan)  
I'm gonna kill you!

Dylan and Lucy turn to see who was shouting, but before they're spotted, Simon grabs Tom by the shoulders and lifts him into the air, carrying him into his dressing room.

FADE OUT 

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Matt is sitting at his desk, looking at his laptop screen. He's not typing, his hands are on the desk. He's just looking. SUZANNE walks in.

SUZANNE  
How's it going?

MATT  
How's what going?

SUZANNE  
The writing thing. Your job.

MATT

Ah. That. That, my dear Suzanne, is not going very well.

SUZANNE  
Why not?

MATT  
(beat)

There's a very good reason why not.

SUZANNE  
(waits for a moment)

You gonna tell it to me?

MATT  
I didn't intend to.

SUZANNE  
Did nothing funny happen last week?

MATT  
Plenty of funny stuff happened last week. Plus, even if it hadn't, I could make it funny.

SUZANNE  
(drawn out)

So…

MATT  
So.

SUZANNE  
Why aren't you writing?

MATT  
Okay. Well, it seems that—what happened—I forgot my computer password.

SUZANNE  
You forgot your computer password.

MATT  
I'd appreciate it if you didn't say it like it made me an idiot.

SUZANNE  
I didn't say it any particular way.

MATT  
It happens all the time.

SUZANNE  
Yeah.

MATT  
People forget their passwords every day.

SUZANNE  
So why aren't you writing on paper? You know. With a pen.

MATT  
I started to—

(he taps a legal pad on his desk)

—but this is bugging me.

Suzanne nods and leaves the room.

CUT TO:

INT. WRITERS' ROOM 

Andy is telling Eric about the writing process; he's standing up, like a school teacher.

ANDY  
…and that's when Matt takes our scripts, throws them in the trash, and tells us to start over.

Darius nods.

ERIC  
And—does there ever come a point where he doesn't…um…do that?

Darius laughs. Andy shakes his head. Eric sighs.

CUT TO:

INT. TOM'S DRESSING ROOM

Tom is sitting on the couch. Simon hands him a drink.

TOM  
What is he doing with Lucy?

SIMON  
They're friends. Maybe, maybe he's just trying to cheer her up.

TOM  
That can't be it.

SIMON  
Of course not, cause it was such a stupid idea.

TOM  
He's trying to sneak in and steal her from me.

SIMON  
That must be it.

Tom looks up.

TOM  
I sense sarcasm.

SIMON  
That's cause I was being sarcastic.

Tom stands up to face Simon.

TOM  
You think Lucy's not attractive?

SIMON  
No, Tom, she's very attractive.

TOM  
You think Dylan's gay?

SIMON

(beat; Simon looks off, )

Probably not, he eyes Jeannie an awful lot.

TOM  
So why shouldn't they be—

(he waves his hands vaguely)

SIMON  
Because Dylan is your friend, and he wouldn't do that.

TOM  
Well then, where was he going with Lucy?

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT

It's a diner-sort of place, with a few people at tables in the background. Kitchsy paintins decorate the walls. Lucy and Dylan sit on red stools at a bar. Dylan's eating a burger, and occasionally reaches over and steals some of Lucy's fries. Lucy is, of course, crying.

LUCY  
It's just...waited my whole (sob sob sniffle) life! Why doesn't he want to marry me?

DYLAN  
Lucy. For the hundreth time, he doesn't not want to marry you. He just doesn't not want to single right now. When he feels like he's ready to—

(his lips move, but no sound comes out)  
--I couldn't even follow that.

Lucy laughs a little. Dylan smiles.

DYLAN  
Besides, it was Simon's fault anyway.

LUCY  
But that's the whole point!

DYLAN  
I don't understand.

LUCY  
He acts like he's already married—To Simon! They talk all the time, you can hardly ever get them apart—

DYLAN  
(deviant grin)

That must make things complicated in be—

Lucy shoots him a stare of death.

DYLAN (CONT'D)  
But no, I wasn't—I'll be quiet.

LUCY  
(continuing)

He talks to Simon about our relationship more than he talks to me!

DYLAN  
Have you ever told him that upsets you?

LUCY  
No.

DYLAN  
Why not?

LUCY

God, who made it your business?

She turns away from him and grabs her fries.

DYLAN  
Never, ever gonna understand.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Matt is pacing around, hands on his head. Danny walks in.

DANNY  
(smirking, smug)

So what's going on?

MATT  
(turning to face Danny)  
Nothing.

DANNY  
Okay.

MATT  
Should something be going on?

DANNY  
'Course not.

Danny grins at Matt for a second.

MATT  
(beat)  
Suzanne!

Suzanne comes walking into the room from her desk.

SUZANNE  
What?

MATT  
Did I not say to keep this quiet?

SUZANNE  
(duh)

No.

MATT  
(looks up in the air, replaying the conversation in his head)

Okay, I guess I didn't.

SUZANNE  
No.

MATT  
Well...

SUZANNE  
Keep it quiet?

MATT  
Yeah.

She leaves. Matt turns back to Danny.

DANNY  
So. Can't remember your password?

MATT  
It's not that uncommon.

DANNY  
Uh-huh.

MATT  
Seriously.

DANNY  
I believe you.

MATT  
So what did you come in here to do?

DANNY  
I came to, you know. Help you figure it out.

Matt sits down at his desk. Danny comes and stands behind him, peering over his shoulder.

MATT  
It shouldn't be hard. I've used it for like, ten years.

DANNY  
You don't…you don't change your passwords regularly?

MATT  
No.

DANNY  
Why not? 

Matt looks up at Danny.

MATT  
For the same reason I don't have a code name or speak Russian. I'm not a spy, I don't work for the Pentagon. There's no—I don't have any sensitive data on my laptop that needs safeguarding.

DANNY  
Really?

MATT  
Yeah. What, should I? I should have the blueprints to some American space plans on a file in there? Maybe the access codes for our secret missle defense network?

DANNY  
(beat)  
It'd be a good story.

MATT  
You're a big help.

CUT TO: 

INT. WRITERS' ROOM

Andy, Darius, and Eric are sitting in the room, trying to write, in quiet. Finally, Eric looks up.

ERIC  
Wasn't there another writer?

DARIUS

(not looking up)  
Yeah, Lucy.

ERIC  
So where is she?

ANDY  
No-one really knows.

ERIC  
She's not…you know, she's not supposed to do her job?

DARIUS  
Well—

ANDY  
(flatly)

Right now the show and lots of employees here are being sued by some woman, specifically a former writer named Karen Salzburg, and there's an ubelievably hot lawyer walking around looking for proof that we don't harass women. So as the only female writer, Lucy can do pretty much whatever she wants.

Darius, shocked looks at Andy. Eric opens his mouth, closes it, and goes back to writing.

CUT TO:

INT. TOM'S DRESSING ROOM

Tom is pacing, Simon is laying on the couch, eyes closed.

TOM  
I need to fix this.

SIMON  
Yeah.

TOM  
I need to fix this.

SIMON  
Uh-huh.

TOM  
I need to fix this.

SIMON

Jeez.

TOM  
What?

SIMON

(sitting up, openinig his eyes)  
Saying it over and over isn't gonna help. Now I've tried to be supportive, and I've tried not to yell at you, but I'm sick of it. Grow up and apologize so we can move on.

TOM  
It's your fault!

SIMON  
(deflated)

A little bit.

TOM  
Every bit!

SIMON  
I still say this wouldn't be a problem if you hadn't decided to date a crazy girl.

A silent moment passes, in which Tom sits next to Simon on the couch.

TOM  
They're all crazy.

SIMON  
I know it.

END ACT TWO

ACT THREE

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Danny sits sprawled in a chair, exhausted. Matt's head is down on his desk, in front of his laptop.

DANNY  
Are you sure it's not—

MATT  
Do I look like a Hallmark movie to you?

DANNY

I'm just sayin', try it out.

MATT  
And I'm just saying, there's no way my password is "Harriet."

DANNY  
Why not? 

MATT  
I'm not a moron? I'm not an overly romantic moron?

DANNY  
Well, we need to think.

MATT  
Yeah.

DANNY  
Is it a color?

MATT  
No.

DANNY  
Is it a food?

MATT  
No.

DANNY  
Is it a book?

MATT  
What the hell is this, twenty questions?

DANNY  
(sitting up)  
Sorry for trying to be helpful.

CUT TO:

INT. TOM'S ROOM

Tom is pacing again. Simon is laying on the couch, but facing the opposite direction from last time.

TOM  
I need to…

SIMON  
Apologize.

TOM  
But how?

SIMON  
That really isn't up to me.

TOM  
Sim.

SIMON  
I mean it's not my problem. I'm just gonna lay here and sleep while you think of a way to get the girlfriend that I made pissed off at you back.

Tom looks around.

TOM  
Yeah, that's something I've been wondering about. Don't we have jobs we're supposed to be doing?

CUT TO: 

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Tom and Simon come in the door, seeing Matt and Danny both staring at Matt's computer.

TOM  
Why aren't I working? 

It takes Matt a moment to look up.

MATT  
What?

TOM

We're not rehearsing anything? There's no scripts?

MATT  
No.

SIMON  
Why not?

DANNY  
Cause Matt can't remember his computer password.

Simon laughs, Tom grins.

TOM  
You feel kinda stupid, don't you?

MATT  
You're both fired.

They sober up.

SIMON  
Here, let us help.

Simon and Tom move behind Matt's desk—now there are four full-grown men standing behind one desk, staring down a computer.

CUT TO:

INT. WRITERS' ROOM

Eric, Andy, and Darius are writing. Again, Eric looks up and breaks the silence.

ERIC  
So, I gotta—I mean, there's a thing with the sexual harassment, I read about Jack Rudolph and the thing with the FCC, and Tom and his homosexual hooligan—I gotta ask, is there ever a time when you guys aren't being sued? 

Darius turns to Andy.

ANDY  
(thinking)  
In 1999. For a minute. Yeah. Oh, no, wait, there was the thing with the car. So no. Not that…no. Always.

Eric nods.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Same as when we left—they're all huddled around the computer, guessing words.

SIMON  
Try 'flapjack'.

MATT  
Oka—

(stops, turns to Simon)  
Why?!

SIMON  
Dunno. Have you tried it yet? 

Matt turns back to the computer, looks up, considers it, shrugs, and types 'flapjack.' Nothing happens.

MATT  
Yeah, that's…

Simon shrugs. Matt tries a few more words. Eventually Tom turns to Danny.

TOM  
So what do you think?

DANNY  
'Bout what?

TOM  
Lucy.

DANNY  
She's pretty, I guess, I'm kind of engaged, so I'm not really shopping around…

TOM  
No, not—what should I do to get her to stop hating me?

DANNY  
You should—I don't know.

TOM  
Thanks.

DANNY  
Jordan's never hated me before.

TOM  
You've never had other girlfriends who hated you?

DANNY  
(thinks)  
No, they all pretty much loved me.

TOM  
Super.

MATT  
Buy her something.

TOM  
What?

MATT  
Buy her something—

TOM  
Yeah, yeah, what do I buy her?

MATT  
Oh. I dunno.

TOM  
Great.

CUT TO: 

INT. WRITERS' ROOM

Lucy enters, slams the door behind her, grabs her computer off the desk, and runs out, slamming the door again. Andy and Darius jump, startled, when she slams the first door.

ERIC  
Should I be more nervous?

ANDY  
What?

ERIC  
It's just that, you both seem so…sad and jumpy all the time.

ANDY  
My spirit was broken by years of working on this show. Don't know what his problem is.

CUT TO: 

INT. STUDIO FLOOR

Lucy, computer under her arm, is walking across the stage. SAMANTHA is sitting in a prop chair, reading a book, when she looks up and sees Lucy.

SAM  
Hey, Lucy.

LUCY  
Hello, Samantha.

SAM  
What's going on?

LUCY  
I can't stand it up there. It's full of…men.

SAM  
(looking up at the second floor balcony, distracted)  
That's…yeah.

LUCY  
What are you looking at? 

Sam points up to the balcony, where Eric stands, looking out over the stage.

LUCY  
Oh.

SAM  
Is that the new guy?

LUCY  
Yes.

SAM  
What's his name?

LUCY  
Eric something, I think.

SAM  
What do you think about him?

LUCY

I haven't...we haven't really talked.

SAM  
Kinda cute.

Lucy grunts and storms away.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

CAL enters Matt's office, not noticing Matt, Simon, Tom, and Danny all standing at the computer.

CAL  
Hey, Matt, I got like fifteen guys asking me what we're—whatcha guys doin'? 

TOM  
Matt forgot his computer password—

SIMON  
So we're helping him figure out—

MATT  
Only they're not really helping.

There's an odd sort of silence.

DANNY  
Wow, that was weird, that was like a little Stepford Cuckoos moment.

CAL  
Isn't there a number you can call and they'll tell you your password?

MATT  
Who would know my password besides me?

CAL  
(beat)

The CIA?

Matt grins. Cal moves to stand behidn the guys.

CAL

Try 'aviator'.

END ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

INT. HALL OUTSIDE MATT'S OFFICE

Tom and Simon leave the office and start walking down the hall. Suzanne is walking past them; Simon grabs her and turns her around to walk with them.

SUZANNE  
I was doing—

SIMON

Not important. What should Tom buy Lucy to make up with her?

SUZANNE  
Why should he buy her something?

TOM  
To, y'know, get her to like me again.

SUZANNE  
You could try apologizing.

Simon and Tom laugh.

SIMON  
Seriously.

SUZANNE  
What's so stupid about apologizing?

TOM  
Nothing. It's just I tried it—

SIMON  
d—and then I tried it—

TOM

—and Lucy still hates me.

SUZANNE  
Try sincerely apologizing.

TOM  
But I didn't do anything!

SUZANNE

(getting progressively angrier the more she talks)  
Men always say that, they always say they didn't do anything, you're so stupid and arrogant, thinking you can never do anything wrong, never realize when you screw up. It makes me sick, for you to stand there and say it's never your fault. Well, Tom, it is your fault, so man up and get over yourself, and apologize.

SIMON  
Suzanne.

SUZANNE  
What?!

SIMON  
It wasn't Tom's fault. It was my fault.

Tom nods.

SUZANNE  
(deflated)  
Oh.

TOM  
Yeah

SUZANNE  
Well.

TOM  
Yeah.

SUZANNE

Jewelry or something.

She turns around and walks off. Tom turns his head back to her.

TOM  
Thanks, thanks a lot!

CUT TO:

INT. TOM'S DRESSING ROOM

Sam and Lucy are sitting there, Lucy fiddling with her computer—not writing, but trying not to pay attention to Sam.

SAM  
He's kind of cute.

LUCY  
Oh my God.

SAM  
What?

LUCY  
(closes her laptop)

Sam.

SAM  
Yes?

LUCY  
Would you like me to get Eric to go out with you?

SAM  
That would be great.

LUCY  
I hate everyone.

There's a knock on the door. Then it opens—JEANNIE is standing there.

JEANNIE  
Lucy.

LUCY  
What.

JEANNIE  
I need you to come here.

LUCY  
Why?

JEANNIE

Just follow me.

LUCY  
Dammit.

But she puts her laptop down on the couch and leaves. The door closes behind them.

CUT TO:

INT. SIMON'S DRESSING ROOM

The door is open. Lucy walks in and sees, sitting on the table, a quite nice diamond necklace. She goes over to it and picks it up, smiling. Tom pushes the door closed, emerging from behind it.

TOM  
Do you like it?

LUCY  
Did you get this?

TOM  
Yeah.

LUCY  
Why?

TOM

Cause people said it would make you not mad at me.

LUCY  
Oh Tom…  
(moves to stand just inches from him; slaps him in the face)  
Do you think I'm a prostitute?

TOM  
No! I don't—no!

LUCY  
I just assumed you thought I was a prostitute, since you seem to be paying me for sex!

TOM  
That's not what—

LUCY  
Then what's this?  
(holding up the necklace)  
It's payment so I'll sleep with you again, isn't it?

TOM  
Not exactly!

LUCY  
I'm not a girl you meet at the Gold Room, Tom. You don't buy me off.

TOM  
The Gold Room?

LUCY (CONT'D)  
Talk to me like I'm a real person, tell me how you feel sometimes.

TOM

But seriously, the Gold Room?

LUCY (CONT'D)  
Instead of telling Simon everything you think, share that with me sometimes!

TOM  
Is the Gold Room even a thing?

LUCY (CONT'D)

I want to be there for you.

Tom grabs Lucy and kisses her; she goes along with it.

CUT TO: 

INT. WRITERS' ROOM

Eric and Andy are alone in the room, packing up their things to go home. Eric puts his laptop in his bag—it is a Dell, with the circle logo prominent on its top, putting it at odds with the five hundred MacBooks in the building. As they walk out the door, Andy turns to Eric.

ANDY  
So how was your first day? 

CUT TO: 

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Matt beats his fist against the desk.

MATT  
Dammit! Oh! I've got it!

He types in his password, there's a polyphonic chime—it's the right password.

MATT  
Yes!

Cal cheers and Danny claps his hands together once.

DANNY  
That's right, baby.

MATT  
You didn't do anything.

DANNY  
I was here for support.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO FLOOR

Tom and Lucy, still kissing, have moved out on to the floor and Tom and Lucy crash onto a table, knocking prop dishes everywhere. From the balcony above, Eric looks down.

ERIC  
Uneventful.

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT FOUR

THE END

_Quick note—Lord, I hate this one. It's too short, too, but it was like trying to walk through a wall of wet sand. Thanks for reading, hope you stick around. And thanks for my two reviews. I don't mean that in a snide, I only got two, sort of way. I am sincerely happy with those two. Good day._


	4. Episode2x03: Out of Control

_Quick note: Assume that this episode, and all previous episodes, have taken place during the week of September 25, 2007. After this episode, I'm going to jump ahead to 2008. _

STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP  
Episode 2x03

OUT OF CONTROL

Created by Aaron Sorkin

Written by Roy D Mylote

TEASER

INT. DRESSING ROOMS—STUDIO 60

CAL walks through the dressing rooms.

CAL  
Thirty minutes to air!

As he passes by, HARRIET emerges, fluffing her Juliette Lewis wig. She walks past JEANNIE, who's dressed in plain clothes.

HARRIET  
Remember to say 'groundhog.'

JEANNIE  
I know.

HARRIET  
(over her shoulder as she passes)

It's just that at dress you said 'grasshopper.'

JEANNIE  
I know!

HARRIET  
They're not really the same, is all I'm saying.

Harriet walks into her dressing room, the camera panning across and down to Tom's.

INT. TOM'S DRESSING ROOM

LUCY is helping TOM tie the tie for his suit.

TOM

Come on!

LUCY  
Tom.

TOM  
I don't know Eric, Lucy!

LUCY  
Well this will be a nice gesture.

TOM  
He's your guy!

LUCY  
My guy?

TOM  
He works in your room up there!

LUCY  
But you're both guys, you can talk to him better than me.

TOM

Lucy, I don't know, I don't like going out with people—

Lucy pulls Tom to her by his tie and kisses him on the mouth.

TOM  
(When they break apart)

Yeah, okay, sure…ask him…yeah.

Lucy smiles and runs out of the room. Tom smooths his collar down, grinning. Then his grin fades.

TOM  
Wait. What just happened? 

CUT TO:

OPENING TITLES

END TEASER

ACT ONE

INT. WRITERS' ROOM

ERIC is sitting at the table, reading through script. Tom walks in and looks over his shoulder.

ERIC  
(without looking up)

Hey.

TOM  
Hey.

(beat)  
Whatcha doin'?

ERIC  
Going over this one last time.

TOM  
Cool. Cool.

He stands over Eric for another beat.

ERIC  
You want something?

TOM  
No, no.

Another beat passes. Eric puts his pen down and turns to Tom.

ERIC  
Then what—

TOM  
Wanna go out Saturday?

ERIC  
Well, Tom, I'm flattered, but—

TOM  
No, I meant, with me and Lucy.

ERIC  
(beat)

Ah. Like that.

TOM  
(uncomfortably laughs)  
No, not…there'll be…other people there. Yeah.

ERIC  
I don't know. Saturday is usually when I get baked.

Tom laughs, and when Eric doesn't laugh back, he turns around and leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

MATT is sitting with his feet propped up on the desk. DANNY walks in.

DANNY  
What are you doing?

MATT  
Waiting for the show to start. 

DANNY  
It's just…usually you're running around, changing stuff at the last minute. You put me off. You were off-putting.

MATT  
Yeah, I'm trying to relax more. You know. Lower stress and stuff.

DANNY  
Why?

MATT  
Doctor said so. Apparently I'm too stressed out.

DANNY  
Can't imagine why.

MATT  
I know.

Danny sits down.

DANNY  
So.

MATT  
(takes feet off desk)

What? What's wrong.

DANNY  
Is Mary Tate gonna be a problem?

MATT  
She's always been a problem.

DANNY  
But not—like, is she gonna—what's her deal?

MATT  
She wants me.

DANNY  
Oh, please.

MATT  
I mean it!

DANNY  
Come on.

MATT  
Seriously. She wants me. Ask Harry.

DANNY  
First of all, Harry is the last person I would ask about women who're attracted to you. Second, is that—if she is—

MATT  
She is.

DANNY  
Well, if she is, is it gonna be a problem for, you know, your work?

MATT  
Everything is a problem for my work. You could put me in an empty room with a pen and a piece of paper and I'd find something to get distracted by.

DANNY  
I guess that's true.

CUT TO: 

INT. TOM'S DRESSING ROOM

Tom and Lucy are arguing.

TOM  
He seemed pretty serious.

LUCY  
Why would he tell you about his…habits?

TOM  
I dunno.

LUCY  
He was kidding.

TOM  
I don't think so.

LUCY

He was trying to see if you really wanted him to come.

TOM  
Well I didn't, I don't—

LUCY  
Thomas!

TOM  
That's not—

Lucy glares at him.

TOM (CONT'D)  
Yes m'am.

LUCY  
Fine.

TOM  
What? What's fine?

LUCY

I will go myself and get him to come with us to dinner.

Lucy leaves the room.

TOM  
Oh boy.

CUT TO:

INT. WRITERS' ROOM

Eric is getting up, sketch in hand, to take it to the floor. Lucy barges in and gets in Eric's face, finger pointing.

LUCY  
What is your problem?

ERIC  
What? I didn't—what?

LUCY

You are coming out with me and Tom.

ERIC  
I don't know, I'm bad at going out and—

LUCY  
(yelling)  
Did I ask if you were good at it?!

Tom appears in the glass window behind Lucy. He shakes his head 'no'.

ERIC  
(looking at Tom)  
Uh…no? 

Lucy growls.

ERIC  
I meant no ma'am! No m'am!

LUCY  
Now you're going to go out with us Saturday. Right? 

In the window, Tom nods frantically.

ERIC  
Yes! Yes m'am.

LUCY  
Good.

(looks over her shoulder at Tom, who is giving Eric the thumbs up)  
Oh my God!

She runs out of the room. Tom desperately flees. Eric looks around.

ERIC  
Man, that happened fast.

The camera pans across to the CONTROL ROOM as the house band's music swells. Cal takes his seat, puts on his headset, and starts counting down.

CAL  
All right…five, four, three, two…

Cal snaps his fingers.

SMASH TO BLACK 

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO  


INT. CONTROL ROOM

Cal is sitting at the booth, which is bustling with activity.

CAL  
Go camera one…

He snaps. The view on his monitor changes to the stage, with a close-up of host ALYSON HANNIGAN waving goodnight with the rest of the cast. The show's credits roll ove the image.

CAL  
And we're out! Good show, people.

Cal walks out of the booth, walking down the hall to where Matt and Danny sit in MATT'S OFFICE.

CAL  
Good show!

DANNY  
Yeah.

MATT  
It was, wasn't it?

The phone rings. All three of them jump for it, but Danny gets there, holding it over his head.

DANNY  
Sit down, little boys.

(putting the phone to his ear)

Hello? 

CUT TO: 

INT. JACK'S OFFICE—NIGHT

JACK RUDOLPH is standing in the middle of his office, holding his phone in one hand and a drink in the other.

JACK  
Good show.

CUT TO: 

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

DANNY  
Thanks.

(covers the phone with his hand)  
It's Jack.

MATT  
What's he want?

DANNY  
Apparently, he's telling us how good a job we did.

CAL  
(beat)  
Well, that's just weird.

DANNY  
Yeah.

(uncovering speaker)

So, what's going on? 

CUT TO: 

INT. JACK'S OFFICE 

JACK  
Yeah, uh, look, we have a little…problem.

CUT TO:

INT. DANNY'S OFFICE

Danny covers his face with his palm.

DANNY  
What happened?

Matt leans in to listen.

CUT TO: 

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

JACK  
About an hour in...about an hour into the show…there was a…just look at the tape, an hour in, there's…you'll see it. And then

(losing his calm demeanor)  
you figure out a way that I am not going to take this up the ass!!

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

Danny puts the phone down.

DANNY  
We should—we need to watch a tape.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO FLOOR

Eric approaches Tom, who is trying to deal with the crowd that's congratulating him for his performance.

ERIC  
So I guess I'm going to dinner with you?

TOM  
You got shanghai'd. You never had a chance.

ERIC  
Who all's going? 

TOM  
I dunno, some of Lucy's friends. She didn't tell me.

ERIC  
Why not?

TOM

I think she wanted to make sure I wouldn't kill myself between now and then.

ERIC  
Are your dates usually that bad?

TOM  
They have their moments.

ERIC  
What should I wear?

TOM  
Well gee, you don't have to get all dolled up to impress me, mister.

ERIC  
(laughs)

I meant, is there…like, is it a formal thing?

TOM  
Once again, you'd have to ask the lady.

Eric nods and walks off, the camera panning around the crowd Tom is struggling with.

CUT TO: 

INT. CONTROL ROOM

Cal, Danny, and Matt are sitting around the monitor as Cal queues up the tape.

CAL  
So where are we lookin'?

DANNY  
Jack said to watch at one hour.

CAL  
Okay.

They sit back while the tape fast-forwards.

MATT  
Jeannie said—

DANNY  
Jeannie got it right.

MATT  
You sure?

DANNY  
Yeah. I payed—yeah.

MATT  
In that Halo sketch—

DANNY  
Tom didn't miss his mark.

MATT  
A little.

DANNY  
No.

CAL  
Danny's right.

MATT  
You're fired.

CAL  
No I'm not.

MATT  
No you're not.

Cal gets the tape to the right place and sits down.

CAL  
Here it is.

He presses play. The three watch for a few moments. Then:

DANNY  
Oh my God.

Matt's mouth drops open.

CAL  
Is that—

DANNY  
Yes.

MATT  
You can't—

DANNY  
Well, apparently someone can.

MATT  
No, but I'm saying…oh my God.

Cal rewinds it.

CAL  
Maybe it was…maybe we saw it wrong.

MATT  
That's a lot to see wrong.

Cal freezes the tape.

CAL  
Ah. Nope.

DANNY  
Yeah, it's…well, there it is.

Harriet walks by in the background, looking into Matt's office. She doesn't see him, looks around, and sees the guys in the control room. So she walks in.

HARRIET  
Hi guys.

All three of the men jump.

MATT  
(yelling)  
Nothing!!

HARRIET

(looking at the screen—shocked, disgusted)  
Oh my God!

DANNY  
I know.

HARRIET  
What are you watching?

CAL  
It's a little show, _Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip_, you may have heard of it.

HARRIET  
That's…our show? Tonight?

CAL  
Yep.

HARRIET  
And that woman's…

CAL  
Yep.

HARRIET  
But those are her—

MATT  
We all know what those are.

HARRIET

(beat)  
You can't show that on TV, can you?

DANNY

Nope.

HARRIET  
Damn.

CUT TO:

INT. DRESSING ROOM

Lucy sits in a chair, talking to SAMANTHA, who's changing out of a maid costume into normal person clothes.

LUCY  
So it's all set.

SAM  
He agreed?

LUCY  
I—yes.

SAM  
He didn't.

LUCY  
Yes he did!

SAM  
You intimidated him!

LUCY  
If I intimidated him, it was purely accidental.

SAM  
He didn't want to go.

LUCY  
But he will be happy he did!

SAM  
You sure?

LUCY  
You're wonderful. Of course he'll be happy.

SAM  
'Cause I'm not gonna put out.

LUCY

(beat)  
Do you usually?

SAM  
I was just—

There's a knock on the wall outside the room and Eric walks in.

ERIC  
Hey, uh, Lucy, what do I need—is there a special dress code or something for dinner?

LUCY  
Um, no, casual's…casual is fine.

ERIC  
Cool.

Eric turns to leave, but Sam waves at him.

SAM  
Hey.

ERIC

(raises an eyebrow)  
Hey…

He leaves, walking out onto the SHOW FLOOR. He walks up beside Tom.

ERIC  
Sam made a face at me.

TOM  
What kind of face?

ERIC  
There was—it was sort of winky. With, you know, eyelashes.

TOM

(shrugs)  
Don't know what that's about.

The camera follows them as they walk, until they're blocked by the audience seats, at which point we CUT TO BLACK.

END ACT TWO

ACT THREE

INT. CONTROL ROOM

Matt, Danny, Harriet, and Cal are looking at the screen.

MATT  
So, this is pretty bad, right?

DANNY  
The Chicago Fire was kinda toasty, I hear.

MATT  
Okay, but…how bad is it for me?

DANNY  
Well the network's gonna—

MATT  
I meant me, personally. 'Cause that's really all I care about.

As Matt grins, JORDAN walks into the control room.

JORDAN  
There you are, I've been—wow!

HARRIET  
I know.

DANNY  
It's not my fault.

MATT

Personally, I blame the new guy.

CAL  
Why?

MATT  
Never happened when he wasn't here.

CAL  
Good reasoning, I guess.

JORDAN  
Who is this?

DANNY  
Some woman. It's not my fault.

Jordan sits down.

JORDAN  
Was this on our air?!

CAL  
Yep.

JORDAN  
(beat)  
How pissed was Jack?

DANNY  
He seemed…at first he seemed fine. Then he lost it. Started talking about his ass.

JORDAN  
Oh Lord.

DANNY  
(to Jordan)  
What's the fine gonna be over this? 

Jordan shrugs.

CAL

About a year ago, a FOX affiliate showed some pixelated—

(waves hand at monitor)

that—and they got fined about a million dollars.

MATT  
Oh, well, that's nothing—

CAL (CONT'D)  
Of course, that affiliate was, you know, an affiliate, not every NBS broadcaster in the world. And that affiliate wasn't fighting another FCC fine cause a soldier said a bad word on the air.

MATT  
(deflated)  
Oh.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD/BLACK SCREEN—"SATURDAY".

FADE IN: 

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

Jordan, Matt, Danny, and Jack are sitting in the chairs and couches around a table. Jack's pretty angry.

JACK  
I hate you guys.

MATT  
That's a, uh, good icebreaker.

JACK  
Why do you do this to me?

JORDAN  
Jack…

JACK (CONT'D)  
All I ever did was love you, love you as my own sons.

MATT  
Come on.

DANNY  
We're your sons?

JACK (CONT'D)  
And what do I get in return?

(shouting)  
A billion television sets tuned to our station, with our logo right there in the corner, and the world's largest hooters hanging right over them!!

MATT  
(beat)  
I've seen bigger.

JACK  
That is-so-far beside the point, I, I, I don't even know what to…

DANNY  
(leans towards Matt)  
On who?

JORDAN  
Hey!

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT

It's a nice bar-style place. Eric walks in and sees Tom, who's standing at the door waiting for him.

TOM  
Hey.

ERIC  
Hey. So…is this—are we the only ones here?

TOM  
No. They're, uh, back there.

Tom walks through the restaurant, Eric follows.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT BOOTH

Lucy and Sam are sitting in the booth. Tom and Eric approach. But they stop before they sit down and Tom and Eric chat quietly.

ERIC

So where's everyone else?

TOM  
Now don't get mad?

ERIC  
(looks to the booth)  
What? Oh, come on!

TOM  
It wasn't my idea.

ERIC  
You coulda—Hey, Eric, wanna go on a double date with—that is what you say, Tom!

TOM  
I didn't know!

ERIC  
You didn't know?

TOM  
No, I thought there was gonna be a group thing!

ERIC  
I'm bad at this.

TOM  
I don't think Sam will notice.

ERIC  
No, I mean, Tom, I'm—

LUCY  
(calling over to them)  
Hello, boys.

Tom turns around and sits down next to Lucy.

TOM  
How we doin'? Eric, come sit down.

Eric sits, uncomfortably, next to Sam. Sam smiles at him.

CUT TO: 

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

Jack is standing up now.

JACK  
Why—do you usually show the audience?

DANNY  
We were pulling away.

JACK  
What?

DANNY  
We do a thing where we pull away from sketches for commercial breaks, the camera sweeps over, and this time was…it was good timing.

JACK  
For who?

MATT  
Well, her.

JACK  
That's great. That's great, guys.

JORDAN  
They didn't pay her to flash the camera.

JACK  
(beat)  
You just hire a new guy?

MATT  
Yeah.

JACK  
I blame the new guy.

MATT  
Me too.

Jack looks at Matt.

JACK  
I just agree with you?

MATT  
Little bit.

JACK

No. I change my mind. I blame…

(closes his eyes and sticks his finger out)  
you!

He's pointing to Danny.

DANNY  
Of course.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT

Eric, Lucy, Tom, and Sam are all laughing.

ERIC  
…a week to clean it up. The RA was pissed, he yelled at us for like an hour. We were so drunk that by that morning we'd forgtotten the whole thing.

They laugh some more.

TOM  
That's pretty funny.

Eric stands up.

ERIC  
Does anyone want a drink? 

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT—BAR

Eric is ordering drinks from the bartender. The camera pans back to the booth. Sam has left for the bathroom.

TOM  
You didn't tell him this was a date?

LUCY  
I just thought he would know.

TOM  
How? How was he supposed to know?

LUCY  
It was obvious.

TOM  
What was?

LUCY  
That Sam liked him.

TOM  
Well, he seemed pretty shocked. Yeah, that's—he was surprised.

LUCY  
(beat)  
Damn.

TOM  
Yeah.

Pan back over to Eric, who's got three drinks in his hand, balancing them carefully, as he goes back to the table. Sam passes him.

SAM  
Hey, lemme help you.

She takes one of the drinks and he follows her back to the booth. They leave, and one of the THREE GUYS at the bar taps another and points to her. They watch Sam walk away, grinning. Eric and Sam sit back down.

END ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

JACK  
Who is she?

JORDAN  
How the hell are we supposed to know that?

JACK  
I don't know.

MATT  
And why does it matter?

JACK  
If we can find her, we can blame it on her.

DANNY  
Thus saving your ass.

JACK  
(beat)

What?

DANNY  
You said on the phone—never mind.

JACK   
Thank you. Find out who she is.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT

Tom, Lucy, Eric, and Sam are laughing and eating. TWO GIRLS come up to their table.

GIRL ONE  
Oh my God, are you Tom Jeter?

TOM  
I—yes.

GIRL TWO

We love your show.

TOM

(laughs)  
Thank you.

GIRL TWO

And you're Samantha Li, right?

SAM  
Yes!

GIRL ONE  
Can we get your autographs?

TOM  
Sure.

The girls thrust paper and pen at the two stars. Eric leans over the table to whisper to Lucy.

ERIC  
Does this happen a lot?

LUCY  
(shaking her head, not in a negative gesture but just as a sarcastic thing)  
More than I'd like.

ERIC  
You must have known this was gonna happen when you started dating Tom-Freakin'-Jeter.

LUCY  
But I never really got used to it.

As they talk, the camera pans over to the Three Guys again, who are intently watching the booth, grins on their faces.

CUT TO: 

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

Matt, who has been talking on the phone, hangs it up.

MATT  
Yeah, Cal says we can get her name.

JACK  
How?

MATT  
Well, people write in for tickets, right? They send us an envelope, it's got some money in it, we send them the tickets.

JACK  
And you can get her name from the envelope?

MATT  
Yeah, probably.

JACK  
Great!

DANNY  
Hold on a minute.

JORDAN  
Yeah.

MATT  
What's wrong?

DANNY  
How are you gonna know—

JORDAN

—which one she is?

JACK  
(beat, while Matt says nothing)

Great.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT

The girls have left and Tom is taking a drink. He puts the bottle on the table, and the sound it makes clearly describes it as empty.

TOM  
I'm gonna go get another drink.

Sam gets up.

SAM  
I'll get it, I'm out too.

TOM  
All right.

Sam walks off.

LUCY  
So, Eric. Having a good time?

ERIC  
I don't know, this was kinda a surprise.

LUCY  
But isn't Sam great?

ERIC  
I…I guess.

TOM  
(looking at the table)  
Just let him drink, Luce.

LUCY  
Thomas. Did anyone ask you?

TOM  
No.

LUCY  
Well then. Quiet!

We pan over to the bar, where Sam is ordering drinks. The Three Guys walk over to her.

GUY ONE

Hey.

SAM  
(looks at him briefly, then turns back to bar)  
Hey.

GUY ONE  
Whatchoo doin' here?

SAM  
(uncomfortable)  
I'm with some friends.

GUY ONE

Them over there?

SAM  
Yeah.

Pan back to Tom, Lucy, and Eric.

ERIC  
Really, guys, it's fine, you don't have to…you know…fight over it.

They both ignore him.

TOM  
I just think it would have been nice to tell him you were setting him up—

LUCY  
I am not in the mood right now, Tom—

Eric puts his head down on the table as we pan back to Sam and the Three Guys.

GUY ONE  
They don't look like much.

SAM  
Well, I—

GUY TWO  
Hey, hey I recognize her.

GUY THREE  
From where?

GUY TWO

She's, uh, that Asian girl, from that show, that comedy show.

GUY THREE  
Oh, yeah, hey,

(hits Guy One on the arm)

he's right!

GUY ONE

So we got a famous girl over here.

SAM

(nervous)  
Yeah, um, look, I should get back to…over there…

She tries to move but Guy One blocks her path. Pan back over to Eric and Lucy and Tom.

TOM  
I don't really have a clue why, Lucy, I guess I just thought it would be polite, no, I'm not saying you're not polite, I'm saying—oh, you would bring that up, look, I'm just saying you tell people when you're setting them up on dates, you know that was a favor to Jack!

LUCY  
(in synch with Tom)

Oh, so now I'm not polite? Well what about the time we were at that party and my friend Blair came up to you and you—I guess you know all about what makes a good date, don't you, Tom, since you skipped our first one to go have sex with a drunk Asian college girl!

Eric bangs his head on the desk a few times, then looks to the side, towards Sam. He gets up. Tom and Lucy are still going at it.

ERIC  
I'm gonna…oh, you know what?

He walks away, up to the bar, and looks at Guy One.

ERIC  
Hey guys…

Sam gives him a desperate, frightened look over the Guy's shoulder.

GUY ONE  
Can I help you?

ERIC  
Yeah, I think maybe you should let her by.

GUY ONE  
What's—I'm sorry? You tellin' me how to handle my woman.

ERIC  
(grins)  
Oh, she's your—she doesn't look like your woman.

GUY ONE  
Why you say that?

ERIC  
The look of panic on her face? Although I guess all your dates could look like that.

GUY ONE  
Oh, you're funny. We got a funny guy, boys.

GUY TWO

Didn't seem that funny.

Guy Three slaps Guy Two on the head.

GUY ONE

So why don't you just, uh, go on back to your table, leave the girl with me.

ERIC  
Now that just doesn't seem like a good idea.

GUY ONE  
Why's that?

ERIC

Sam, come on.

SAM  
I really can't.

ERIC  
Come on, just get out of her way so we can leave.

GUY ONE

I think, maybe you should just leave, and me and this famous piece o' ass are gonna go back to my place, maybe.

ERIC  
(shaking his head)  
Piece of ass?

GUY ONE  
Yeah.

ERIC  
You really shouldn't have said that.

GUY ONE  
Why not—

Eric punches the guy in the face, knocking him back into the bar. A few glasses fall onto the floor, shattering. Then Eric extends his hand to Sam. She takes it and they walk together over Guy One's body and to the table.

ERIC  
We're gonna have to leave.

TOM  
What the hell happened?

ERIC  
It's just I would prefer to go now, before the big scary bouncer comes over and tosses us out bodily. Is all.

Tom and Lucy get up, the four start leaving the room.

TOM  
Really, what did you do?

ERIC  
There was a fight.

SAM  
It wasn't really a fight.

ERIC  
Okay, I hit a guy.

LUCY  
What for?

SAM

He was being…argumentative.

LUCY  
That's not a good—

SAM  
Also he tried to kidnap me.

Eric and Sam continue on into THE PARKING LOT. Tom and Lucy have stopped at the door.

TOM & LUCY  
What?

ERIC  
She went over to the bar, and he wouldn't let her go, and—so I hit him.

Lucy and Tom catch up.

TOM

That's pretty…that's a good story.

SAM  
That guy was scary.

Lucy puts her arm around Sam and herds her off to the side.

LUCY

Are you all right?

SAM  
Yeah, I think so.

LUCY  
(beat, smiling)  
That's romantic.

SAM  
What? Almost getting stolen by some jackass is romantic?

LUCY  
No, but… He rescued you!

SAM  
I don't think he—it wasn't like he set that up so he could be chivalrous.

LUCY  
I didn't say that.

SAM  
He was just doing the right thing.

LUCY  
Yeah.

SAM  
(beat)

I may have to put out now.

CUT TO: 

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

Matt is lying on the couch, Jack is standing, and Jordan and Danny are sitting in chairs. There's a couple pizza boxes—empty—on the table.

MATT  
I want to go home.

JACK  
Tough.

JORDAN  
We had plans.

JACK  
Really?

DANNY  
Unfortunately.

JORDAN  
(slapping Danny on the head)

We were gonna go shopping.

MATT  
For what?

JORDAN

I was gonna look for a dress.

MATT  
(sitting up)  
For the wedding?

JORDAN  
Yeah.

MATT  
Oh, were you gonna go to that place, uh, what's it called, it's new, it's down the street from the studio…

JORDAN  
Kensey's?

MATT  
(snaps)  
Yeah! That's—have you been by there?

JORDAN  
(leans in towards Matt)  
No, is it good?

MATT

I mean, some of those dresses are really nice and—

Matt notices Danny's cocked eyebrow and stops.

DANNY  
Seriously? A little girl.

MATT  
I just go past it on my way to lunch sometimes.

Jack looks at his three employees, sighs, and pours himself a drink.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARKING LOT—NIGHT 

Sam is hanging up her cell phone. She turns to Eric.

ERIC  
What's going on?

SAM  
My car's at the mechanic and—I'm just gonna take a cab.

ERIC  
You don't want to take a cab.

SAM  
(tilting her head)  
Well how am I gonna get home?

ERIC  
I'll give you a ride.

They start walking to his car. Sam catches Lucy's eye and Lucy gives her a wink.

CUT TO:

EXT. SAM'S HOUSE—NIGHT 

Eric's car pulls into the driveway and Sam gets out.

SAM  
Wanna come inside?

ERIC  
I dunno, it's—I should probably get some—

SAM  
No, come on.

Eric sighs and gets out of the car. The car door closes.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S OFFICE 

MATT  
I mean it. I have stuff to do.

JACK  
Like what?

MATT  
(beat)  
Okay, really, nothing, I just want to leave.

JACK  
Well we haven't yet solved this little crisis.

Matt's cell phone starts to ring. He answers it.

MATT  
Hey, Cal.

(beat)  
Really?  
(beat)  
Uh-huh.

(beat)  
Sure.

(beat)  
Great.

(beat)  
Bye.

Matt hangs up.

MATT  
Jack, you're gonna wanna kiss me in a minute.

JACK  
I do not—no. No I will not.

MATT  
She's on the internet.

JACK  
Who is? Why—what are you talking about.

MATT  
There's a person on some message board or blog or…something, I don't know, anyway, she says that she was the one who flashed her—

JACK  
Seriously?

MATT  
Yeah.

DANNY  
(beat)  
Was he right, Jack? Do you want to kiss him?

JACK  
(beat)  
Little bit.

JORDAN  
So that's it?

MATT  
Cal says they can figure out who it was based on their e-mail address or—I don't really have a clue what they do, it's all complicated and new.

JORDAN  
Great, then we are going shopping.

DANNY  
(looks at his watch)  
It's ten-thirty.

JORDAN  
In LA. There are places just opening up.

DANNY  
(as they leave)  
Great.

Matt stays in his seat.

JACK  
What do you want?

MATT  
I'm still waiting on my kiss.

JACK  
(points towards the door)  
Out!!

CUT TO:

INT. SAM'S HOUSE

Sam is sitting on a nice red chair, and Eric on a couch. There are cups on a coffee table in front of them.

SAM  
Thanks.

ERIC  
It was really no trouble, my house is just a few—

SAM  
Not that. I meant for, you know, saving me from those guys.

ERIC  
Oh, that was, uh…it was not…it wasn't a big deal.

SAM

It was kinda brave.

ERIC  
(uncomfortable)

It wasn' that brave, I was kinda bigger than him and—

Sam leans across to kiss him, but Eric puts his hand on her forehead to stop her.

ERIC  
Sam!

SAM

Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I thought you were…

ERIC  
I don't think…

SAM  
I guess I just thought—I mean, you were—so maybe you thought I was—but you don't, so…

ERIC  
I don't what? What don't I think?

SAM  
(looking away)  
You don't think I'm attractive.

ERIC

That's not—it's just—you're not my type.

SAM  
(angry)  
Then what is your type?

ERIC  
Well…you know…

SAM  
No. No, I don't. You wanted a girl with bigger boobs? A slut? What?

ERIC  
That's not—

SAM  
What is your type?

ERIC  
Guys.

There's a long, uncomfortable silence.

SAM  
Really?

ERIC  
Yeah. Yeah.

SAM  
(beat)  
Okay.

(beat)  
So why did you even—

ERIC  
Because no one told me it was gonna be a date and then we got there and I didn't want to tell everyone right there at the bar, and, I mean, this whole thing just got out of control.

SAM  
Oh.

ERIC  
Yeah. Look, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone, I just don't know how people would react to it or anything.

SAM  
Oh, yeah, I totally understand.

(beat)  
So do you wanna…watch TV, or something?

ERIC  
Sure. Sure.

Sam turns on the TV while Eric takes their cups to her kitchen to refill them. The camera pans back out of the house and out the window, slowly FADING TO BLACK 

END


End file.
